At the touch of her lips it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she expertly squeezed and pulled. It was the best balloon giraffe I had ever seen.

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This will be my Hallowe’en issue, since my next post will not publish until November. November? How did it already get to be November? It won’t be long until we are into a whole new year. Hopefully, we can leave the strangeness of 2016 behind, and start fresh, with a sane attitude. I suppose November 1st also means we need to be ready for a blizzard of annoying Christmas advertising. I read that The Hallmark Channel would begin airing Christmas programming on October 28th. And October 30th is the premiere of David Letterman’s hosting episode of National Geographic’s Years of Living Dangerously series, something I am definitely planning to watch.
really-big-mistakes

 

This is getting to be entirely too frequent. I unfollowed yet another Tumblr site, on Tuesday, due to their posting a “reblog this and get money” picture. I will never understand how people can actually believe this crap. Or think it is funny or interesting, as the case may be. The same applies for anyone who posts Harambe laments, especially if it refers to “Dicks out for Harambe”. What does that even mean? Listen, I feel bad that the gorilla was killed, too. But what if it was your child’s life that had been threatened? Would you still want it spared? That’s what I thought. And why do I rarely see any pleas to save the living gorillas that are threatened with extinction? So I will delete my bookmark for any site which posts a reference to Harambe.

 

Here’s another thing I am tired of seeing. So the Pringles package is full. So what? The last time I bought Pringles, there was more than a handful of crumbs in the bottom. Caused by them bouncing around inside during shipping. When I buy a bag of the other brand, it typically has significantly less crumbs. Next time you go to the store, compare the price of Pringles to, say, Old Dutch chips. In an online comparison, I found that an equal size/weight of Pringles chips is actually slightly more expensive. And, since the amount inside the package is the same, the air has ZERO cost, and actually provides a bit of crush protection, and this lame “selling air” argument is invalid.
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Third example: So called “art”. This video was featured on the site Like Cool, which often has interesting articles. The last time I visited, I saw an article titled “How to make expensive art”. Curious, I watched the video. Even if this crap is supposed to be satire, it angered me. Because it exposes the attitudes and thinking that I believe a lot of so called artists have. Namely, bullshitting people into swallowing the load they promote themselves with. The tone of voice the narrator uses only irritated me more.

 

A message to anyone reading this page who might also have a Tumblr account:
PLEASE! If anyone sees a sponsored ad on their dashboard, DO NOT open it. And especially avoid running any programs it might prompt you to. ESPECIALLY one called ScanGuard. It promises to clean your computer, and “make it last forever”. But what it actually is, is an attempt to cheat you out of money. The program “finds” several “issues” on your computer, but requires you to purchase the full version to “fix” anything. Don’t take my word for it. Check this company yourself, via Google, etc. I did not find any review that recommended this program.
And, now, I hear that Facebook is following suit, and enabling some approved companies to post advertising there. The best thing to do, that I have found, is to download and install Adblock Plus. Make sure you uncheck the box which reads “Allow some unobtrusive ads”, and the problem should be gone. I am running Windows 10, with the Edge browser, but I assume it will work the same if you use another browser or OS.

 

Other Windows users may be interested in this article on which useless or potentially harmful programs and accessories they should remove from their computers. I removed Silverlight and the QuickTime apps from my own system. Win 10 does not support Java anyway, so I didn’t have to bother with it, and I avoid browser toolbars like the plague. The QuickTime apps on my machines did not work, either, for some reason, and I have quite a few .mpeg videos on my laptops that I can now watch again with the VLC player. And I am not sure if it is just a coincidence, but, since making those changes, a glitch that used to always occur on the Rolling Stone website has disappeared. 
http://www.makeuseof.com/tag/10-windows-programs-uninstall/

 

If you ever need to cut string, but don’t have anything sharp, try this.

 

If you spend any amount of time away from civilization, say, off-roading, or hiking, you may be interested in these methods of emergency fire starting.
http://www.popularmechanics.com/science/environment/g2824/odd-ways-to-make-fire/

 

I thought this was going to be different. More permanent. But, if it works, and it appears to, it can always be done again. How to transfer images onto glass containers.

 

In my previous post, I bitched about employees who were not dedicated enough to their jobs. But there is also such a thing as being overly dedicated to it, to the point where it negatively affects your mental health.
http://en.rocketnews24.com/2016/10/26/tokyo-advertising-company-institutes-mandatory-lights-out-time-following-employee-suicide/

 

What is it with some cultures and arranged marriages? I’ll bet they changed their minds about his suitability as a mate after finding out about this.
http://www.edmontonsun.com/2016/10/26/man-cut-off-penis-to-avoid-marriage-report

 

It is a little late for this, now, especially since the series is, as yet, incomplete, but it can be used next year. How to make your own Hallowe’en mask.

Part 2. You will need to save the URL, and check the site later, for the rest of the tutorial, when it is posted. 

 

Some companies get very inventive while naming their cheap knockoff costumes, to avoid paying copyright fees. Still, they should be held liable, since it is very obvious where they got the idea.
http://pleated-jeans.com/2016/10/26/21-ridiculous-knockoff-costumes-that-arent-fooling-anyone/#more-161893

 

If you have kids, here are some ideas for Hallowe’en activities.
http://mentalfloss.com/article/87621/11-fun-halloween-projects-beyond-jack-olanterns-you-can-do-your-kids

 

Hallowe’en themed snacks.
http://itsfunnytomemke.tumblr.com/post/152402998788

 

Hallowe’en used to be more romantic and less very scary.
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/28/style/halloween-love-romance-history.html

 

One should never choose looks over safety.
http://www.ozy.com/flashback/the-ballet-girls-who-burned-to-death/71244

 

If she is fat, I wonder what my description would be. These people should not be allowed to judge, or hold, a beauty competition, since they obviously don’t know the meaning of the word. Come see me, Arna, and I’ll console you. I like slim girls, but not to the point of them being a stick.
http://izismile.com/2016/10/26/crazy_hot_miss_iceland_quits_beauty_pageant_after_being_called_fat_16_pics.html

 

With that attitude, and those looks, it is hard for me to understand why Kate Beckinsdale’s husband would divorce her. All he gave as a reason was “irreconcilable differences”, which could mean anything. While I agree that looks aren’t everything, he seems like a fool. But I suppose the fact that they never had children might be a hint at what the issue was. 

 

I never found Loretta Swit very appealing. I think it was her Margaret O’Houlihan character on MASH that turned me off. If you do like her, she is featured in this issue.
http://goodstuffsworld.blogspot.ca/2016/10/goodstuffs-blogging-magazine-265th-issue.html

 

I haven’t watched any major network TV shows in a couple of years. I just don’t find them interesting any more. I prefer the more informative shows found on The Discovery and National Geographic channels. But, this one, I at least want to check out. With these two funny ladies associated with it, it sounds like something good.
http://www.someecards.com/entertainment/tv/carol-burnett-amy-poehler-new-show/

 

Another vulnerability discovery has caused Apple to release an iPhone software update.
http://nymag.com/selectall/2016/10/update-ios-10-1-security-flaw-jpeg-executiable.html

 

So, is the “Magic Toolbar” basically just a biometric reader? Like the one on my several year old HP laptop? I could configure it to do different things, too. And why would they get rid of the escape key? I rarely use mine, but it sure is handy when I need it.
https://9to5mac.com/2016/10/25/welp-apple-leaks-its-new-macbook-pro-with-magic-toolbar-ahead-of-this-weeks-event/

Microsoft had a similar idea, but theirs is not as compact, and resides on the keyboard. I don’t care for it, either. Any windows I have open can be seen, and accessed, just as easily, with the mouse, from the taskbar at the bottom of my screen.
http://www.digitaltrends.com/computing/microsoft-adaptive-keyboard-concept-touch-bar-like/?utm_source=feedly&utm_medium=webfeeds

 

And this new Apple laptop will not/can not charge your Apple phone without a special $25 cord.
http://www.popsci.com/your-new-macbook-pro-cant-charge-your-new-iphone

 

Humans in the South Pacific appear to have a third, previously unknown, ancestor.
http://www.sciencealert.com/pacific-islanders-appear-to-be-carrying-the-dna-of-an-unknown-human-species

 

Personally, I am not interested in this product, but some of you might like to try Girl Scout cookie flavored cereal.
http://www.dailydot.com/irl/girl-scout-cookie-cereal/

 

I’ll bet this little girl really appreciates her parents doing this for her. I’ll also bet some other little girls are very jealous.
http://unrealitymag.com/cosplay/3-year-old-100-ready-play-wonder-woman/

 

Roger Daltrey thinks modern rock music has reached a dead end. I tend to agree.
http://teamrock.com/news/2016-10-26/roger-daltrey-rap-is-more-relevant-than-rock

 

Well, well, well! Only 2 days after my previous post was published, and the video playlist I included in it has already been viewed 16 times. Good enough to make me want to compile another, and thank you all so much for watching. I am continuing, here, where I had left off, before I quit compiling them, with the titles of Desert Island Discs, meaning, if you were stranded on a desert island with only one CD, (and a solar charger, I guess) this would be a good one to have. Hope you like it. DISCLAIMER: The Patti Smith track ma seem racist, but Patti herself explained it as the definition of the word “nigger” skewed to pertain to outsiders of society. Listen to the lyrics, and you will see.

 

And, as a bonus (depending whether or not you like it), here’s a classic monster themed tune, via the WayBack Machine. 

 

I hope I am not giving anyone ideas, here, but this seems like a bit of a questionable product to market. I assume none of my readers are homicidal maniacs, so this should be okay to post. Since the blade is concealed inside the flashlight, it seems as if it could be used for nefarious purposes. It is possible, though, that the blade would be visible on airport scanners. But, in places like courtrooms, for instance, a body search would likely not detect it, unless they were curious as to why you brought a flashlight there.
https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B017IXS8WS

 

I don’t like physical violence, and have never intentionally watched wrestling, boxing, etc. I don’t even care for violent sports like hockey or football. But I would probably watch this blowhard vs. Biden matchup. If it happened, which I doubt. Biden might agree, but I am pretty sure Trump would find a reason to weasel out. Because he knows he would get his ass handed to him.
http://www.cnn.com/2016/10/25/politics/donald-trump-joe-biden-fight/index.html

 

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trump-voters-funny-pictures

 

This just seems like a waste of time. You know it is going to be repaired, so all this vandalism did was give Trump more publicity, and yet another reason to claim that he is a victim. I watched the video, and his explanation doesn’t work. He hits the tile with the pick on the words in the center, not at the edge, where he would need to if he was actually trying to remove it. One thing really struck me, though. This is one of the very few times any star on the Walk of Fame been destroyed.
http://deadline.com/2016/10/donald-trump-hollywood-walk-of-fame-star-destroyed-vandals-1201842842/

 

This is how the pro-Trump group thinks: I am not going to link to the site, since I don’t want to promote it, but I saw it referred to, and believed, by a Right Wing blogger, who is a Trump supporter. The original article “states” that the Clintons are moving, or have moved, billions of dollars to Qatar, in case Hillary loses the election, so she can flee the U.S. to a non-extradition country, and, thus, avoid any legal charges brought against her by the Trump administration. The problem is that I was not able to verify this claim. I would think that, if this report was true, there would be a lot of mainstream news organizations reporting on it. And I could find none. I did find two negative reviews of the site that ran the original article, though, claiming that it was strongly biased. I am still waiting to see what response my negative comment receives, or if it is even published, on the supporting site. I really should stop visiting that site, but he posts a lot of interesting and humorous things. I just have to learn to ignore the political stuff.

UPDATE: To my surprise, later that day, my comment was published. And, so far, no hateful replies. That may be due to the fact that there are other disbelievers. One commenter mentioned a “ton of salt”. But there were some comments that referred to Black Ops finding her no matter where she went, and one asked “can’t we just “accidentally” drone the bitch?”. So, there’s your “democracy” in action?

 

My opinion? This is just a cash grab. I just have trouble believing someone’s wife doesn’t realize they are a pedophile. Especially when they have children. I did some checking: Jared became famous through his Subway commercials in 2000. In 2009 he married this woman. I could be wrong, but does anyone else think his money had anything to with her decision? I was not able to learn why his first wife divorced him, but she received a settlement of over $200,000 in the divorce.
http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/jared-fogle-s-ex-wife-kathleen-mclaughlin-sues-subway-restaurant-n672046

 

Want to be the center of attention on your next night out? Wear this way cool dress with embedded LED lights.
http://www.boredpanda.com/twinkling-stars-led-skirt-thinkgeek/

 

As they say, turnabout is fair play. Japan has opened what is basically a version of Hooters, but with male servers.
http://kotaku.com/japans-macho-cafe-is-like-hooters-in-reverse-1704687152

 

You learn something new every day. I read this first in a post on a random Tumblr, but, as usual, I felt it necessary to verify if it was true. Sure enough, there were several Google results backing up this statement. So, does this mean I am more refined, since I hold the fork in my left hand, and not just because I am left handed?
https://www.quora.com/Social-and-Behavioral-Norms-Why-do-Europeans-use-a-fork-in-their-left-hand-while-North-Americans-hold-it-in-their-right

 

Being a scientist can be a scary career.
http://www.theverge.com/2016/10/2/13133510/fieldwork-scares-science-twitter-risks-bears-bugs-people

 

If this happens, and I have little doubt that it will, we, as humans, should be ashamed of ourselves, and question our position as an “intelligent” species.
https://mic.com/articles/157891/two-thirds-of-our-animals-will-likely-be-gone-in-3-years-time-wwf-report-says

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Man has a pet bison that he takes for car rides.

 

Halloween dogs.
http://jeffrothehomo.tumblr.com/post/152272953303/jupiter2-halloween-is-for-the-dogs

 

More pets in costume. I wonder if they are comfortable being dressed up. I guess if they weren’t they wouldn’t stay still long enough for the photo to be taken. Although I don’t suppose that tortoise has much choice.
http://mentalfloss.com/article/87731/16-adorable-halloween-costumes-non-traditional-pets

 

“What are YOU looking at? How about a little privacy while I bathe?”
tumblr_of56tmsd9w1shn04do1_250

 

tumblr_o9rmzpn9nj1twg13uo2_400

 

tumblr_nxblvybqml1r0yir1o1_500

 

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Conan bonds with a baby coyote.tumblr_ofhgy8thqq1vb46leo1_500

 

tumblr_ofl4rwm62l1s02vreo1_400

 

Who would like a dog they can ride to the corner store? This is a Tibetan mastiff. I assume it costs a fortune to feed. And not much point in putting it on a leash. If it wanted to go somewhere, it would just go.
tibetan-mastiff

 

tumblr_oflf0l7r3t1ukldkho1_500

 

“Just 5 more minutes”tumblr_od8oldgl4t1qg51mgo1_400

 

tumblr_nel8l6a5qm1s3ml50o1_250

 

This has been one of the most popular dog photos, lately, on the sites I visit regularly. For the past several months, I keep seeing it, every few weeks, sometimes more often. I don’t recall if I ever shared it before, but I felt compelled to do so now.
rise-shine-20161025-110

 

“Watcha readin’, Mommy?”tumblr_ofo6zkwoua1s02vreo2_400
tumblr_ofo6zkwoua1s02vreo1_400

 

1575

 

Who thinks these legs are heavily oiled, and who thinks there is something else going on?That is actually white paint, applied to create the illusion.

 

z-funny-159

 

hn

 

I need one of those “No selfies” shirts.tumblr_obk91kcosn1qigfjto1_1280

 

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24_00018

 

tumblr_ofgnrprjk61s9c6nao1_1280

 

whay-happens-after-you-die

 

picdump-16-10-21-164

 

This root someone dug up in their garden looks like a dead baby’s foot.friend-was-digging-in-the-garden-iris-root-looked-like-a-dead-baby-foot

 

afternoon-break-018-08052013

 

Using a drone to change a light bulb.
tumblr_ofjlw0wicw1ukldkho1_500

 

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If you know, and acknowledge, that it is unacceptable, but do it anyway, what does that make you? Pretty much the only time I text is when I don’t know if someone is available, like late at night, if I don’t have much to say, or if I want to send a message or ask a question to multiple friends. And, if you text during sex, I am going to assume your partner is unsatisfied. Or unsatisfying.
tumblr_nndlkwq19t1s819puo1_1280 tumblr_nndlkwq19t1s819puo2_1280 tumblr_nndlkwq19t1s819puo3_1280

 

This raises an interesting question: I don’t recall anyone having food allergies, when I was a kid. Any, and all, candies were accepted, and scarfed down as quickly as possible. Some of our parents would seize, and ration, our Hallowe’en hauls, to make them last as long as possible, since they were free, but no one had negative reactions. So, what happened between then and now?
funny_pictures_13

 

boil

 

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Yo, dude! That wasn’t a window! That was Karma you ran into!
tumblr_ofom1zpacq1vp2ixso1_250

 

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tumblr_ofocbgt8bu1s4h8gzo1_400 tumblr_ofocbgt8bu1s4h8gzo2_400

 

Someone is looking to incite a case of air rage. Why do some people think it is okay to invade other peoples’ personal space? Most public spaces have rules against bare feet. Why not airplanes? And this will make it difficult for the steward/stewardess to move around.
dd1-17
I was going to present this as an example of how people used to dress, and act, on airplanes. But people used to dress and act that way everywhere in public. It just was not widely acceptable to be a pig.
tumblr_ofnqv6hgvq1s7n9hno1_500

 

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birth-control-for-grandma

 

I imagine Mr. Every Man for Themselves will pay for that selfless act of heroism later.tumblr_ofm6z03pd91s1vn29o3_r1_400

 

tumblr_ofm6z03pd91s1vn29o5_r1_400

 

happy-hour-20161027-113

 

How the shape and size of the Earth was first measured.
http://www.amusingplanet.com/2016/10/struve-geodetic-arc-2820-km-line-that.html

 

I never get tired of looking at Aurora photos. This one was taken near Fairbanks Alaska on October 25th. The brightness and volume of the aurora was the result of a moderate solar storm which was ongoing at the time.
167f83d0-2757-4309-8a3c-d85cb730ee68

 

A man in Sweden accidentally captured this image of a green meteorite while taking pictures of the Northern lights.tumblr_ode481njld1u38l26o1_1280

 

This new theory states that living organisms might not need to orbit a star to exist.
http://futurism.com/research-shows-that-life-on-alien-planets-could-survive-without-a-sun/

 

Hallowe’en themed images of Saturn created by the Cassini/Huygens team of scientists.
http://missaerospaceblog.tumblr.com/post/152203441645/humanoidhistory-over-the-years-the

 

The first photo of Earth from space was taken from a German V2 rocket in 1947.
http://mashable.com/2016/10/24/first-photo-of-earth-from-space/

 

Photo and video of the Chinese space station, taken by a small satellite which was released from it.
http://for-all-mankind.tumblr.com/post/152294452031/higher-resolution-images-have-been-released

 

Totally cool 3D visualizations of what it would look like to soar across The Universe. And I have a great new site bookmarked.

Part One.
http://child-of-thecosmos.tumblr.com/post/116969858431/flying-across-the-universe-from-top-to-bottom

Part Two.
http://child-of-thecosmos.tumblr.com/post/127520168501/flying-across-the-universe-part-2-from-top-to

 

Is a moon that barely shines scarier than a full moon?
http://www.universetoday.com/131397/boo-black-moon-halloween-weekend

 

Hurray! Juno has come out of safe mode and is once again responding to all commands.
http://www.nasa.gov/feature/jpl/nasas-juno-mission-exits-safe-mode-performs-trim-maneuver

 

Some high resolution images of the Schiaparelli crash site on Mars have been obtained. Be aware that there is a commercial before the actual video,
http://www.livescience.com/56676-exomars-mars-lander-crash-site-best-photo.html

 

Where all of Earth’s interplanetary robot explorers are, right now.
spacemissions_final_web
If you would like to see a larger, easier to read version, you can find it here:
http://www.americaninfographic.com/post/131193259480/infographic-spacecraft

 

An overhead shot of a mountain near La Paz, Bolivia, taken from the ISS. The mountain sits within the tropics, but it’s tall enough for snowcaps and glaciers.
tumblr_ofksdt5pwm1sq04bjo1_500

 

Our Moon, and, above it, Jupiter, and four of its own moons.
tumblr_ofj1omm0kb1ufgfd7o1_1280

 

The Witch Head Nebula.the-witch-head-nebula

 

What could be more embarrassing (and stupider) than crashing into a police car while taking a topless selfie? Her parents must have been so proud when they went to bail her out.
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-37795008

 

Luxury with gobs of power. A 2006 Chrysler 300C with a blower fed Hemi engine.
http://www.hotrod.com/articles/this-srt8-2006-chrysler-300c-isnt-just-a-reboot-of-mad-maxs-interceptor-its-daily-driver-too/

 

1939 Plymouth pickup with a radial airplane engine.
http://www.supercarsautos.com/1939-plymouth-radial-air/

 

Quick brick. A 1500 horsepower Jeep.
http://www.supercarsautos.com/1500-horsepower-jeep-fast-brick/

 

All wheel drive Dodge Challengers available next year? Even though I would not be a customer, Yes, Please!
http://dodgeforum.com/articles/wheel-drive-2017-dodge-challenger-gt-arrives-online/

 

This rare 1968 Firebird coupe with Ram Air II engine and M21 four-speed gearbox is expected to bring $150,000 to $200,000 at the Mecum Auctions Anaheim sale on November 19.
1968-pontiac-firebird-ram-air-ii

 

1935 Duesemberg1935-duesemberg

 

afternoon-drive-american-muscle-cars-20161024-107

 

tumblr_o32udnzlvk1s3m409o1_1280

 

I have been seeing way too many concepts that look similar to this. Why can’t designers come up with something that is fuel efficient, roomy, and still pleasing to the eye?
xpeugeot-honey_b_mp40_pic_42382-730x274-jpg-pagespeed-ic_-xv7h3y1yth

 

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afternoon-drive-off-road-adventures-20161026-112

 

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I could not learn anything about this, despite seeing it in several different places, except that it appears to be from Russia. Most of the Google image search results were written in Russian, anyway. Which makes sense, since Russia is well known for the creation of odd stuff. What would be the purpose of a waterfall in your trunk, though?
in-car-water-fall

 

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WHAT.
THE HELL.
IS THAT??
If I was a cop, I would pull it over and find some reason to give the driver a ticket.
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A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?” “Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”  “Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.” “Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.” In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

 

Q: Have you heard about the uncircumcised troll?

A: His name was Rumpled Foreskin

 

This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed. He’s just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, “What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?” He replied.  “Don’t worry honey I’d stay faithful!”

 

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for. The driver says “I’ll show you” and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash. The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head. When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard. “See that” said the trucker. The man said “Yeah”. The trucker ask the man “You want to try it?” The man said “OK, but please don’t hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!”

 

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place: First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.” Second guy: “That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.” Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that will remodel the kitchen for her.” They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?” Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Wanna have sex, or should I just go fishing?” and she said,  “Wear a sweater.

 

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND…” Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…” At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.” At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

 

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